BEST FATHER AND MOTHER

In modern times many couples have children when they are not married. Problems can arise with respect to Child Custody, Visitation, and Child Support when these couples break off the relationship.

In a perfect world the mother and the father are amicable in such a situation, and do what is in the child or children’s best interest. However, it is much safer, and highly recommended, that you obtain Court orders with respect to custody, visitation, and support issues, so that the mother and father each know their respective rights and obligations, and so that there are no ambiguities regarding the same.

This article will discuss the issue of children who are born out of wedlock from both the mother and the father’s prospective to give you a general understanding of the law in California regarding children born out of wedlock.

The Mother’s Prospective

The mother of a child that is born out of wedlock has a unique advantage in that she does not normally have to prove that the child is hers. If hospital records indicate that a female has given birth to a child, and the birth certificate that is issued upon the birth of a child indicates that the female gave birth to the child, than there is usually no issue with the mother showing that she is the paternal mother.

The mother of a child born out of wedlock will automatically be entitled to full custody of a child absent a Court order indicating otherwise.

She may give the father visitation if she so chooses, or she can deny visitation to the father absent a Court order.

All minor children in California have a right to receive child support pursuant to a statutory guideline. (The subject of Child Support will be covered in a forthcoming separate article). If the mother of a child who is born out of wedlock wants to obtain child support from the father, she will have to file and serve a Petition to Establish Parentage on the father, and an Order to Show Cause for child support with the appropriate Court.

If the mother is on welfare or Aid to Families with Dependent Children, the District Attorney in the county in which the mother resides will ordinarily aid in this process so that the County gets reimbursed for the aid that is being provided to the mother by the County.

If a father voluntarily accepts paternity, than the Court will decide each party’s rights to custody, visitation, and child support based upon the facts in the case. If the father denies that he is the father, he may request that a DNA test be done to determine whether he is the father. Once this process is completed than the Court will determine each party’s rights.

If a mother is not sure who the real father of a child is, she will have to file a Petition to Establish Parentage on each potential father.

The Court will ordinarily allow the father visitation or custody rights to the child unless it can be shown that it is not in the best interest of the child for the father to have such rights.

The Father’s Prospective

The father of a child born out of wedlock has no rights to Custody, Visitation, or Child Support unless they obtain a Court order for the same.

If a father wants to have rights to custody, visitation, or child support for a child born out of wedlock, the will have to file a Petition to Establish Parentage, and an Order to Show Cause for Custody, Visitation, and/or Support.

The mother of the child may or may not agree that the father is the true father of the child. Either party may request that a DNA test be done to prove whether or not the father is the paternal father of a child.

Once the Court determines paternity, the Court will than look at many factors with respect to rights to Custody, Visitation, and Support.

The Court will ordinarily allow the father visitation or custody rights to the child unless it can be shown that it is not in the best interest of the child for the father to have such rights.

The Mother and Father’s Prospective as a Whole

The Court will always try to determine what is in the children’s best interest when determining who will have Custody and Visitation rights to a child or children. This can be a long and expensive process if litigated. It is recommended that a Mother and Father try to informally work out a Custody and Visitation plan for a child or children, and then get a Court Order which reflects the agreement of the mother and father.

If you cannot informally work it out than the Court will decide the issue for you.

Support of the child or children will be determined by the Court using a statutory formula which is based on both parties income, the percentage of time each person has with the child or children, and other factors.

It is always recommended that you retain a lawyer in these types of cases. Only a fool has herself or himself for a client.

You can check out our family law website at www.divorce-legal.net for more general family law information.

© 2007

…Sleepless nights when the baby arrived!” - In traditional circles it is expected that the arrival of a newborn proclaims the horrors of yet another “syndrome.

Another myth propagated by the medical fraternity - not the healthy maternity.

I can say unequivocally that a natural lifestyle produces perfect rest for both mother and baby - if, the following simple pattern is established.

• The baby is put on a feeding schedule set up by the parents (who are supposedly in charge of the situation)

• The baby is not “demand fed” The baby is taught the natural feeding cycle based on the digestive cycle of the organism - (read as: circadian rhythms)

• The mother does not get up to feed, change, or soothe the baby during the night.

• The father does that - so that the mother gets adequate rest to ensure that her milk is of the best quality.

• The baby does not sleep with the parents, either in the bed or even the same room. An infant can smell a lactating breast at 50 paces.

• Keep the baby on the breast as long as is possible - up to 2-3 years is natural.

• Do not feed the baby chemical formula or adult foods.

As a result:

• The baby does not gain excessive weight and develop colic, catarrh, constipation etc.

• There is harmony throughout the household and the baby is a joy - within itself and the

synergy of the family routine.

How do I know this? - Practice, practice and more practice; based on countless experiences over the past 25 years.

To avoid having his kids get away with murder whilst your kids complain that they have no rights, both you and your new partner need to first establish some rules and boundaries.

Make a contract.

Decide on the most important rules. Try and keep the list short with no more than 5 rules to begin with. Print it on a large piece of paper and display it in a prominent place.

The rules should be specific - for example, “Everyone should be in bed by a reasonable hour” is not specific enough and leaves room for disagreement. After all my definition of a reasonable hour could be 8:00 pm and your idea of a reasonable hour could be 11:30pm. A better way to phrase the rule would be ‘All kids under the age of 14 need to be in bed by 9:00pm on weekdays and by 10:30 pm on weekends.”

Another example would be “All toys to be picked up before bedtime” instead of “The house needs to be cleaned before bedtime.”

Try and phrase the rules positively instead of negatively. In other words, tell them what to do, not what not to do. Instead of “Don’t turn the TV on until all homework is completed” you could say “The TV may be turned on once all homework is completed.” A small change in your wording can have a huge impact on the amount of co-operation you get from the kids.

Choose your battles wisely. Do you really want to waste your time arguing over toothpaste tube caps and toilet seats left up? If it won’t matter 10 years from now, forget about it. Save your energy for the big things.

Present a united front to the children when discussing the house rules. If the children sense that you are not united then they will begin to divide and conquer.

Let the children settle their own disputes. Resist the temptation to mediate and settle every dispute. The best response is to tell them to work it out themselves.

Support each other. An important part of establishing rules is deciding on the consequences if they are broken. The consequences need to be clearly spelt out, and the children must know that their natural parent will support their step-parent in enforcing the consequences.

The question of who is to discipline whose children always crops up. To avoid a situation where your step-child tells you ‘I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mom/dad‘, you need to make it clear to them that both parents (both the biological parent and the step-parent) have the right to enforce the rules.

These few guidelines should make the step-parenting journey a bit easier.

Mark Twain once said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.” So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” When choosing a gift, there are some essentials for making Twain’s quote a reality for friends and relatives.

Braving long lines, scouring dozens of stores and spending way too much time in the greeting card aisle are all things of the past. Being a great gift-giver does not mandate stress and a maxed-out credit card. All it takes is a little thought, preparation, and inspiration! Whether it’s a gift meant for a birthday, holiday, wedding, or ‘just because’, these simple suggestions will help dress up any gifting style and help the one’s you love Explore, Dream, and Discover like never before.

10. Start early, and don’t wait

Slow down! Enjoy! Buying a gift should be fun – not a last minute hassle. Keep you list in the back of your mind and make sure to give yourself plenty of time to plan and shop. This allows you to be your most creative.

9. Stop. Think. Shop..

The best gifts are those that hit closest to home – so stop and think:

What is the recipient passionate about? Animals or Sports?

What makes them smile? Adventure or Relaxation?

What makes this person tick? Art or the Outdoors?

Now use your answers as a map, guiding you towards the gift that fits their blueprint!

8. Just like the car you drive, the books you read or the outfit you wear – your gift says something about you
Remember that your gift should reflect your personality as much as theirs. So whether you put your artistic style into the wrapping or incorporate some of your own wild style into the gift itself, just get creative and put your own flair into it!

7. Create a signature gift
Signature gifts are one of the easiest and most classic ways to create a lasting gift giving impression. Choose a theme and send the same gift…year after year…with a slight twist each time. Whether it is an around the world gourmet basket, a blue Tiffany’s box, or a new experience, your gift recipients will always look forward to something they can count on and know will be exciting and wanted.

6. Give a gift that keeps on giving
Gifts the recipient can use again and again or that create lasting memories will ensure they’ll be thinking about you always! Consider gifts that will touch their lives and hearts for years to come. Gifts such as a pottery class, a ride in a race car, a family portrait, or private time with a personal trainer all strike a chord by enriching the recipient’s life with something unforgettable.

7. Spread the joy
Part of the joy of giving a gift is the connection it establishes or strengthens between two people. Why not enhance those connections by giving a gift they can share with their family and friends…including you!? Wine, circus excursions, cruises along the Potomac or weekend getaways are all gifts that provide the opportunity to create new memories and spend time with old friends.

4. Presentation is everything
With the right touches, simple can be elegant. Whether your gift fits neatly into a small bag or in a box all wrapped up, the key is in the details: a matching bow, brightly colored tissue paper, or a hand-made card will all be sure to garner ‘ooo’s’ and ‘ahhh’s’.

3. Relive the memories
You’ve laughed, you’ve cried – celebrate that special bond by incorporating your time together into your gift. Reference an inside joke, recall an embarrassing moment, or insert a photograph of times past into your gift message . They’ll love your gift even before they see what’s inside.

2. Don’t try to be perfect
Because no one is! Your preparation and thoughtfulness will come shinning through. At the end of the day, your recipient will be thankful to be remembered, regardless of your gift. Your creativity and personal touch are icing on the cake.

1. Treat yourself
When you’ve completed shopping, give YOURSELF something to look forward too. Reward yourself for accomplishing your gift-giving goals.

Whether it’s big or small, the newest trend or an antique keepsake, the goal remains the same: to create a lasting connection among friends, colleagues and loved ones that will extend beyond the life of any object you can buy – after all, it’s truly the thought that counts.

The emotional reaction which a person has on hearing the phrase “single parent family” might very well depend on his or her age.

For Americans who came of age before 1975, the mental picture of an ideal family, as portrayed by the media, included two parents, one of whom, usually the father, was the breadwinner. Those children who came from homes with only one parent present were considered, by researchers, to be experiencing a “Family Deficit Model.” Hardly an attitude designed to help single parents and their children feel good about themselves.

Even worse, researchers did not look past the lack of a father or mother to other factors common in single-parent households when deciding that life in one of them automatically doomed children to second-rate academic and social performance. But with over three-fifths of all US children born in the last twenty-five years now spending at least five years in a single parent household, understanding single parenting positive and negative effects on academics is crucial.

Research into the single parenting positive and negative effects on academics is ongoing, but studies completed in 1991 and 1997 indicated that there was a 300% higher high school drop out rate among children from single family homes than among those in ”nuclear” families. This was in spite of the fact that the academic abilities of the dropouts in either group were equal.

One explanation for this statistic is that single parents, often their family’s sole sources of income, cannot always spend time overseeing their children’s study habits, or being present at extracurricular activities. But an even bigger factor, and probably the single most important one, in single parenting positive and negative effects on academics is the typically lower income level of single parent homes.

Among households of similar size and equal income, regardless of the number of parents present, there is little statistical difference in the children’s academic performance. While this finding sheds real doubt on the assumption that a two parent household is “better” for a child, it is really not surprising.

In a single parent household with an adequate income, the parent will have more free time to devote to the children’s studies and school activities. Children who have that sort of support, even if from “only” one parent, are much better equipped to deal with the intellectual and social demands of school than children in either single or two parent households who do not have it.

It’s also been shown that children in single parent homes who receive regular child support from the absent parent will perform better academically than those who do not. This factor has nothing to do with the single parenting abilities of the parent with whom the child lives, but is another indication that the biggest factor in single parenting positive and negative effects on academics is not a matter of parenting style, but of income.

And in certain circumstances, a single parenting positive effect on academics may actually stem from having a mother who must work full time to support the family. The mother’s income, of course, is an obvious benefit, but a 1986 study headed by Ann Milne indicated that African American elementary school children in low-income single parent homes with working mothers outperformed those in low-income two-parent homes with stay-at-home mothers. When low incomes are involved, it appears that children with mothers who struggle to support them are inspired to overcome their disadvantages.

If the continuing research into single parenting positive and negative effects on academics bears these earlier findings out, we may learn that the secret to raising a successful, well-adjusted student is nothing more than money.

“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids,” read a sign in Brussels, Belgium.

Or, as author Jean Kerr wrote, “The real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like one.”

The fifth commandment is designed to keep parents sane by giving children a principle to guide their behavior and attitudes toward their parents. I asked my friends to tell me how they honor their parents. If their behavior matches their answers, their parents are not only sane but very happy.

“I honor my parents by giving them hugs and kisses. I also honor them by buying them TCBY treats,” says Angela, age 10.

Frozen yogurt with hugs and kisses! If TCBY could package this combination, I’m sure its stock would soar.

“I obey my mother and father by getting up in the mornings as sweet as pie,” says Kaitlin, 7.

I’m still working on this one. When I get up in the morning, I’m grateful if I don’t hurt myself by tripping over the furniture.

Kaitlin also told me, “When the Bible says your days will be longer (if you honor your father and mother), it means you will live longer.”

In a society obsessed with living longer through exercise and nutrition, how many doctors and health-food companies recommend honoring parents? Yet a long life is a promise from God for those who honor their parents.

“I honor my parents by obeying,” says Christine, 10. “Like when they say to get them some water, I do it. I treat them like a king and queen.”

I’ll bet Christine’s parents treat her like a princess. It’s so easy to take parents for granted. Can you imagine a society where the Bart Simpson attitude wasn’t glorified? Why imagine when it’s within your power to be gracious to your parents instead of disrespectful? They’re not perfect, but neither are you.

“I love my mother and father,” says Gardner, 11. “They are the best. I try to obey them. I know they love me, and I love them.”

Something tells me that Gardner will never visit a psychiatrist’s office in an effort to find himself. Because he knows his parents love him unconditionally, he’s secure and able to love them in return. Love fosters love.

Years ago, I saw my friend Peter reprimand his 2-year-old son for continuing to throw soapsuds on a car after being told to stop. Peter calmly asked his son to hold out his hand. Following a gentle tap on the hand, his son began to cry.

At first, I was confused because the light tap hardly warranted tears. Suddenly, I understood and said to Peter, “Your disapproval hurts worse than the tap on the hand.” He nodded.

Only a father who loves his son can evoke such a response. This is the power of unconditional love.

God’s love for his children is akin to parents’ love for theirs with one very important difference: Even the best parents have flaws. God is perfect.

Jesus is the ultimate example of a son honoring his father. He listened to his Father’s voice and did only what he heard from his Father. His love for his Father and desire to please him was so great that he could say, “He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him” (John 5:23). Their will was one.

Obedience and honor are interconnected. The Apostle Paul wrote that Jesus humbled himself and “became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.”

Point to ponder: God has promised to bless those who honor their parents.

Scripture to remember: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right,” (Ephesians 6:1).

Question to consider: How do you honor your parents?